Thursday, June 22, 2006

A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

.
I'm rather hyper right now. Between getting my knickers completely in a twist about my lunch being stolen; and the chocolate I ate; and the Denis Leary cd I've been listening to in the car to and from work...

And I just drove home from work, with Denis Leary on the cd player, singing along at the top of my lungs:

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong
NAAAAH!
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)
(Spoken)
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado,
hot-fuckin'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whisky and drive...
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)
Why don't you shut up and sing the song?
(Sung)
I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
A S-S H-O L-E
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay
A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom
Oooooooo
(Spoken)
I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!

:D

7 comments:

allison said...

Ummm. John Cassevetes?

Meghan said...

I love that song. After I watched that stand-up... I sang it for days.

It will now be in my head all night.

And, I [heart] Dennis Leary.

CosmicAvatar said...

Agh! Denis Leary sings? Cooool.

Does this song go, "He's an asshole, ee-yo-ee-yo ee-yo-ee-yo!"? I seem to remember a song very like that being used to showcase this drunk driver advert...

CosmicAvatar said...

[addendum] Oh my God it is the same one!! Hahaha! See below if you haven't seen Denis do this in person...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mny1lg80hbQ&search=denis%20leary

Meghan said...

HA!!!

CosmicAmanda - you kick SO MUCH ASS for linking that.

Lolly said...

Amanda, I never saw the video before. That was great!

Thanks!





Allison: I googled the lyrics and copied and pasted. Didn't proof-read everything. I'm quite sure it's supposed to be Cassavetes. :)

CosmicAvatar said...

Also, if you call up Denis Leary on YouTube, you can see the actual drunk driver ad to which I was referring - he changed the lyrics slightly for it, which is why I didn't quite recognise it at first. And Denis is singing in the ad too!

BTW, on the Cassavetes thing, it wouldn't surprise me if he wrote Cassavetti on purpose. He misspelled Peckinpah as well, because he's an asshole, dontcherknow, ee-yo ee-yo ee-yo-ee-yo!

*goes for a lie-down*