Sunday, February 13, 2011


I know I haven't blogged in a very long time, save for 12 of 12. And even that I haven't done for the past two months. Last month I had a terrible flu and was sleeping most of the day. Yesterday, I was very tired and couldn't make the effort. Plus, my days are SO boring that it's getting embarrassing to show how boring they are for 12 of 12.

I hate my job so much. It's sucking the life out of me. I'm depressed that I can't find anything better. And I'm not even making enough money to cover my bills, and I'm pissing through my savings.

I have been very tired and depressed. I can't keep up with my housework, and my house is a disgusting mess, and then that makes me feel even worse. I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this hole, but no success so far.

This new fucking disease of mine is sucking, too. It makes me so tired, and I'm in pain, and then I'm more tired.

It's a struggle just to get laundry done, to do the grocery shopping, and keep up with the dishes. Those are the bare necessities. But the rest of the housework is suffering and making me more depressed. I'm too tired to look for a new job. Too tired to clean this fucking house up. Too tired to fix any of this. I slept most of yesterday. Today I got a LITTLE housework done, but not enough. Some shit went down with my mom that just sucked any remaining energy out of me. I am considering calling in sick to work tomorrow to work on the house some more.

There's a lot of shit between my crazy mother and my sister that's making me very anxious and depressed too, but I can't even get into that.

And I know I'm totally cheating my boy out of a decent place to live, and of a decent mom.

I need to fix this. It's just so hard right now.


Angela said...


Jenn said...

I am so sorry. And I understand what you mean about the cycle with sick and work and house and then some added guilt about creating the home for a child.

In all, I think you are awesome and hope you feel better soon.


Jess said...

You are more than a decent mom, you're an awesome mom. You're a great person who respects your son as a fully realised human being, and that counts for ten million times more than a clean kitchen. I really truly believe that when your son is grown up he will be an awesome adult who looks back on the times when you made Firefly jokes together, not on the times the dishes were piling up in the sink. I mean, put it this way: what is it that makes you so mad about your own mom? It's not her housework; it's the way she treats you. And I think, with your own kid, you totally have that down.

I'm so sorry that you're tired and in pain. That must really add to the guilt and stress. I usually find it helps to think of doing some tidying up as a thing I'm doing for me, to help me feel better. That sort of alleviates the paralysing guilt brought on by outside pressures long enough for me to actually work on it a bit. Anyway, I'm kind of drunk right now, but I'm trying to communicate that I think you're great, but also that I can relate to the guilt of Never Being Good Enough. <3

CosmicAvatar said...

Listen to Jess, for she is wise. (And, damn, a lot more articulate than I am sober, let alone drunk.) I know things can feel so hopeless sometimes, but the solutions will come.


allison said...

I just saw this entry and want to echo what Jess said, because she is smart and funny and very hot. Also my word verification is mahblut, which is making me snicker. And (((((hugs)))). Hope you are feeling better.