If I knew how to spell a wordless, gut-wrenching scream, I would put it here in the title.

Been kind of freaking out today.

The impact of how serious the procedure on my dad could be is hitting me. Now I've volunteered to drive them in to the city, as my dad won't be able to drive after it, and my mom was going to try but it will be a lot harder for her than it will be for me.

And my cousin (the one with cancer) is dying. Now. This morning the word was that he most likely had less than 24 hours left. I thought about going to see him but I just can't. And this is all hitting me a lot harder than I expected. And now I can't believe I'm never going to see him again. The last time I saw him was at Jason's wake. I can't imagine what it's been like for him, knowing for three years that he's dying, and going to three other young family members funerals in these last months.

I'm going to stay at my parents house Sunday night, as we'll need to leave early for the hospital. And as there's most likely going to be a wake and funeral shortly thereafter, I'll be packing my funeral clothes. The fact that I actually have funeral clothes hit me today, and I find it bizarre and rather disturbing. And it pisses me off. Why should I need funeral clothes? This year, I sure do. I hate this year.

And also the realization that when I go up to my parents' house, I'll probably end up staying there at least 2 or 3 days, between my dad's procedure and the wake/funeral, is not making me any happier.