Saturday, October 10, 2015

Funky Town

So, I've been in quite a funk for a while now, and thought I'd see if writing about it, if letting myself think things and organize these thoughts and face them, might help me feel better. 
I'm really tired of being sick. Really fucking tired of it. It's been 5 years now, I think. I remember for the first two years, I kept telling myself, "It's ok if you don't feel good right now... because you will feel better, and when you do feel better, you will be able to [insert activity here]. And after about two years, I finally realized that I am not going to get any better. This was it. This was my life now. I don't think I felt too badly about it. I don't think I let myself. I've been putting on my brave face for the world. I've been remembering to be grateful; for the things that I have, for the things that I don't have.  I have a wonderful, smart, sensitive son. I have an amazing man who loves me, who I love dearly, who I am going to marry, and who wants nothing more than to spend his days with me. I have the ability to travel occasionally, and great friends to share these trips with.  And I have it better than so many other people. I don't have lupus. I don't have RA. I don't have cancer.  All the reasons that Life Is Still Good and I can put up with the daily hassles of having fibromyalgia.
But lately, that's not been enough. This fucking disease has taken so much from me. I'm angry. I'm despondent. I struggle to get up and out of bed every morning. It hurts, and I'm tired. Showering hurts and is exhausting so I don't even do it every day any more. I try my best to put the discomfort out of my head and just DO IT. Because I have to. I have to go to work, to a job I don't even like, because I need the money to live, to feed my kid, to pay his tuition. And I hurt on the way to work. And I force myself to get out of the car, even though it hurts, and go in that building and put on a friendly, happy face for eight and a half hours, so that I can then rush home and collapse into bed. Some night we order delivery for supper. It's fattening and costs too much money. But I do it, because we have to eat and I can't always cook. When I DO cook, it's just things I can prepare and throw in the oven very quickly, frozen meals or pasta. Because being on my feet for more than a few minutes hurts, and I can't bear it after working all day. So, we eat like crap.
My doctor (my internist, not my rheumatologist), lectures me about my weight. I get that it's important, and that he wants me healthy and to not die of a fucking heart attack in 10 years. But it's so frustrating to sit there and listen to him suggest I go walking or join a gym. He doesn't understand how exhausted I am, how much I'm in pain. I can't manage to cook good meals, I can't seem to get any exercise, and I take three different medications that have the side effect of causing weight gain. So I'm fat and I can't figure out how I'm going to make that better.
I don't have a social life any more. I do online, and I do on occasional trips (with a lot of effort and a lot of consequences), but not in my daily life. I don't stop out for drinks after work with the girls. I don't go to see my old friends. I don't go out with my sister and cousins when they plan a fun night out. I'm too tired. It will hurt too much. So my world has gotten smaller and I don't keep in touch with old friends.
My house is a pig sty. Cleaning is next to impossible. I remember the days when I could clean the entire apartment, top to bottom, in a day. And then cook supper. Now it takes a couple of hours and a lot of resting to do one project, and by then my energy is sapped for the day and nothing else can be done. My son helps a lot with taking out trash, and dishes, and cat box, and laundry. But it's not enough, and my house is gross.
My brain is gone. I know it. Sometimes I can't find the words I need, or form sentences. It can be funny when it's at home and it's just my son. It's less funny at work, when I'm supposed to be a professional who knows what she's doing, and can't form a sentence with my co-workers or bosses. If I have to talk on the phone, to make a doctor's appointment, to call the pharmacy, anything, I have a small window of time in the morning, when I'm awake enough and not yet exhausted by the day. After that, I can't manage it. And my memory has gone to crap.
I can't even enjoy my crafts anymore. I used to love sewing quilts and other things, doing cross-stitch, and knitting.  I held on to knitting the longest, as it takes less physical effort, but I've dropped that recently too. I haven't made any submissions for Timmy the Thinkgeek monkey's costume collection for the past two years, even though I can think of awesome things I'd like to make. It's just too much work now, too hard.
I remember my old life, when I would meet with friends for lunch, or go to the movies, or just hang out. I'd keep my house clean and my laundry done and cook good meals and take care of my son.  I blogged. I'd see a really cool quilt on the internet and immediately draw up plans and shopping lists and run to the store to buy my fabrics and joyfully make that damn quilt. I was organized. I was smart. I was fun. I had patience.
Now, that's all gone, and I'm pissed off and sad.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Checking In

Hello again. I really never meant to abandon this blog. Maybe I can get back to it again someday. Most of you follow me on FB so you are still in touch with me anyway. This blog is just for deeper, more private thoughts, and apparently I've not had the energy to express any of them. ;)

I just read my last post, which was from just over a year ago. Wow. Unfortunately not much has changed. My house is still a horrible mess that I struggle to try to fix, but never succeed. I think that at the time of my last update, I had been diagnosed with undifferentiated spondyloarthropathy. (I think that's where we were at that time...can't remember WHEN things happen very well.) But at some point, I think last spring, my doctor decided that was not a good diagnosis, as I wasn't responding to the medication. I'm now diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which seems to fit much more. I have 16 out of 18 tender-points, and several other spot-on symptoms. I started out trying to deal with it with no meds, but I've since added tramadol and now gabapentin, both of which are really helping. But I'm still not very active and my house is still a mess. I need to make more of an effort.

I am still at the same job and I still hate it. But I'm in the process of getting hired as a permanent employee instead of a temp, which at least will get me a little more money.

I am GOING TO ENGLAND! Which anyone who might read this will already know from my FB and the WD. I'm very, very excited about it. I'm excited about seeing my wonderful WDers (some for the first time, some AGAIN). I'm excited about seeing England. I'm excited about finally doing something FUN. I think the last time I went anywhere (save a day trip to a local convention in Boston) was the Firefly convention in November of 09. That is far too long to go without doing anything fun. But being poor and sick will do that to you. So, in conclusion, EXCITED!

I also just realized that Blogger is now attached to Google+. I've just deleted something more private I was going to talk about, because this blog is probably much more findable than I desire.


Sunday, February 13, 2011


I know I haven't blogged in a very long time, save for 12 of 12. And even that I haven't done for the past two months. Last month I had a terrible flu and was sleeping most of the day. Yesterday, I was very tired and couldn't make the effort. Plus, my days are SO boring that it's getting embarrassing to show how boring they are for 12 of 12.

I hate my job so much. It's sucking the life out of me. I'm depressed that I can't find anything better. And I'm not even making enough money to cover my bills, and I'm pissing through my savings.

I have been very tired and depressed. I can't keep up with my housework, and my house is a disgusting mess, and then that makes me feel even worse. I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this hole, but no success so far.

This new fucking disease of mine is sucking, too. It makes me so tired, and I'm in pain, and then I'm more tired.

It's a struggle just to get laundry done, to do the grocery shopping, and keep up with the dishes. Those are the bare necessities. But the rest of the housework is suffering and making me more depressed. I'm too tired to look for a new job. Too tired to clean this fucking house up. Too tired to fix any of this. I slept most of yesterday. Today I got a LITTLE housework done, but not enough. Some shit went down with my mom that just sucked any remaining energy out of me. I am considering calling in sick to work tomorrow to work on the house some more.

There's a lot of shit between my crazy mother and my sister that's making me very anxious and depressed too, but I can't even get into that.

And I know I'm totally cheating my boy out of a decent place to live, and of a decent mom.

I need to fix this. It's just so hard right now.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

12 of 12 - December

Welcome to the Very Special Christmas Episode of 12 of 12!

1:05 pm, living room
My tree. We put it up yesterday, but wanted to let the branches fall before decorating it.
Ok, fine - I was too tired/lazy to decorate it yesterday.

1:10 pm, living room
While we were getting the tree yesterday, we got a poinsettia, too. Since they're poisonous to cats, I've never had one before. And I may never get to have one again.

1:15 pm, kitchen
French Toast. It was much yummier than it looks in the picture.

2:00 pm, living room
Today's coffee cup.

2:35 pm, living room
My new LED Christmas lights. I ♥ them so much.

3:22 pm, living room
Some of my new ornaments. Shiny!

5:18 pm, living room
This is not even the first space ship I have hung on my tree.

5:25 pm, living room
This is The Boy's Christmas stocking, which his grandmother cross-stitched for him when he was teeny-tiny.

6:00 pm, living room
The finished tree...

6:01 pm, living room
...and lit up.

6:15 pm, living room
Baby-girl's ornament. We miss her.

9:40 pm, living room
Some goodies I put together to share at work tomorrow.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

12 of 12 - November


5:40 am, kitchen
As usual, my morning coffee. And one for the road.

6:32 am, car
I am running late today. (But traffic was kind, and I only ended up being 5 minutes late...that's practically on-time!)

6:52 am, my car
Pretty sky, this morning. Even since we went back to Daylight Savings Time, it's been a bit light out for my morning commute. Much better than driving to work in the dark in the morning. :D

12:40 pm, break room
Lunch time. I've already eaten, but here's everything else I need for lunch: water, phone/music, knitting.

4:25 pm, car
Stopped to get a few things at the grocery store on the way home.

4:29 pm, car
And now the sun is going down.

4:32 pm, parking lot
Someone's throwing away a recliner. Anyone want it?

4:32 pm, parking lot
tree silhouette

7:20 pm, living room
The Boy, now with short hair!

8:25 pm, my room
Exactly two weeks ago, my poor old kitty finally crossed over the Rainbow Bridge. We miss her very much. I got this very pretty urn for her ashes. She deserves something pretty.

9:18 pm, living room
My latest knitting project, a shrug for my niece.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

12 of 12 - October

It's 12 of 12 time again!

5:06 am, kitchen
Good morning!

5:08 am, kitchen
My magic machine.

5:20 am, kitchen
Two lunches, ready to go into their bags.

5:22 am, kitchen
Coffeeeeeeeee! <3

5:22 am, kitchen
And one for the road...

6:24 am, my car
It is too freaking early for this.

6:29 am, my car
I love the whole squiggly-light effect.

10:32 am, break room at work
Book, snack, and knitting.

2:20 pm, restroom at work

4:18 pm, my car
I LOVE the foliage this time of year.

9:50 pm, living room
Charging my phone. Funnily enough, I have a pic of kitty with her laser eyes, so it looks like she's charging her lasers.

10:10 pm, kitchen
Time for kitty's meds.

Monday, September 13, 2010

12 of 12 - September - sort of

It's 12 of 12 time again! Problem is, I was WAY behind on my housework, and needed to do that for most of the day. That makes for boring pictures, so I spared you all.

You're welcome.

That means, however, that I only managed to capture eleven pictures of the day:

9:45 am, kitchen
Coffee, of course. It's the start of every day.
10:30 am, bedroom
One of my pieces of flair.
10:47 am, living room
Kitty is hanging out with me this morning.
12:15 pm, living room
My new knitting book. I'm very excited!
12:18 pm, living room
Timmy. Now pantsless.
12:20 pm, living room
Kitty is doing her best Bill the Cat impersonation today.
(Her pupils are two different sizes. I don't know what's causing it, but it's happened a few times now. As she is very elderly, I don't want her being poked and prodded by the vet too much. As long as she's acting fine and seems happy, we're just going to keep on keeping on.)
6:46 pm
This is my new phone. I'm in love.
7:10 pm, living room
My shopping list. I'll have to stop on my way home from work tomorrow.
7:15 pm, living room
Watching a DVD. Can you name the actor and show? Extra points for the episode.
7:20 pm, living room
Adding music to my MP3 player.
7:30 pm, kitchen
Dinner's ready. Quiche.